EMDR Notes 4

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Today I think I laid demons to rest. The last vestiges of darkness and the tar black ichor that surrounded me has flaked from my skin and fallen away. (JS), the man who molested me for 5 years of my prepubescent youth is gone. I can no longer picture his face, and the name alone does not make me cringe into feelings of self-loathing and shame. The filth I was enveloped in has washed away in a waterfall of hot water and intense sunlight leaving me clean, without the shadow that has haunted my peripheral vision for almost 40 years.

When I arrived for session, [B] was ready with the EMDR paddles and we set to work. I closed my eyes and focused on chasing the blackness away with the light and the remaining darkness soon succumbed to the onslaught of the guided white clarity of healing. I concentrated on aiming the light and heat of my waterfall at my shoulders, back and side and felt the tar begin to dry on my skin, becoming a flaky, thick weight on my body. The paddles stopped and I opened my eyes.

[B] said that I must actually let my mind choose where we go (my mind and me), and to not focus the direction but let my inner brain, higher consciousness do so for me. Again I closed my eyes as the paddles started their intermittent pulsing and I let my mind drift. At first, I got his name as clear as if it were shouted in my ears (JS!) and the darkness began to spread. Although I was told not to direct this, I forced the thought of Healing and Freedom into my mind, and the darkness swirled back and receded to nothingness once more. I could feel pressure lifting from my body as well as the next thought passed through. Peace. Soft, gentle, glowing as it passed through my mind and I began to relax. Even my trapezius muscles (my shoulder “wings”) which always hold horrible tension began to unknot. The paddles stopped.

We spoke for a few minutes as I related what had happened to [B]. her smile that brightened the room was all the encouragement I needed to know that what had happened was a major breakthrough. [B] asks me if I could put into words or thoughts how I could finally be free of (JS), how would it happen? I sat in silence while I thought. I would need to know that his body had broken down to component parts—elements all disintegrated by time, the earth and that his soul, if he had one, was being processed to rid it of the evil it contained. Whether by hell, being thrown into the fires of creation to burn up to nothing, or cast into the molten core of this Earth, I would need to know that he was gone and that the pieces of him—his flesh mask—the elements which could do some good had become fertilizer for something new. Something beautiful.
[B] has me picture just that in my head. When I am ready to go, I nod my head and find myself in a cemetery standing before his grave. The grass is cut low, soft beneath my bare feet and though I know this is his grave, I cannot make out the markings on the headstone. I stare for a few more moments, then become more self-aware. I am younger—by at least 20 or 25 years. My hair is long, blonde, and I am wearing what appears to be a dress made with layers of gauze that lift and shift in the breeze as I turn away from the grave. From my past and travel down a hill that was not there a moment before. As I walk down the hill I see my destination swirling through the mist. As my feet hit the white sand, the mist parts and a lake appears. The waters are blue. Deep. Inviting. I walk in, my dress not a hindrance as I swim to the middle of the lake. It swirls around me like a warm gentle touch, encouraging me to finish this journey.

Once out in deep water, I turn over and float in the water, staring at the suddenly intense blue sky. Nothing separates me from the blue and I stare into infinity and begin to feel the heartbeat of the universe as it swirls around me. My head in the physical world spins a bit and my body sways. I continue to stare into the blue, wrapped in the cool water and the warmth of my dress which flows like my hair around me in the water, helping me to touch more than my skin could on its own. The sky darkens and it becomes deepest night. Stars appear and they swirl around the sky, the constellations moving on their axex circling me as the night becomes deeper and darker. My body feels disconnected and I feel like I have become more than I was. I smile, and the paddles cease to command my attention.

When I tell [B] what I was doing in my dream, we move on to a guided visualization, in order to wash the residual hold he has on me, as well as the negativity associated with that 5 year assault of violence and shame. My waterfall has been pumped up with a dose of sunlight’s heat and as the paddles start once more I can feel the water pouring over me, flaking off the black dried tar. I wash myself completely, feeling the spray over my legs and calves, arms and face as well. The sunlight helps by keeping the tar dry and making it buckle up off of my body to be washed away.

We turn to the Fibonacci turning forks to help harmonize my energy. Three are necessary in an order that I personally do not understand but they work. The tightness begins to loosen, the knots star to unravel and as they move over my back I can feel a long bar of heat. Eventually [B] works through the three individuals and needs to move to all three at once. This takes care of the sharp pain I had in my shoulder after the session where it felt like a claw had dug in. I can breathe, I am in very little pain and I am at peace.

Next week we do a check to make sure nothing has come back, and I look forward to dealing with the next demon I have—facing it down, casting it out and making it leave me forever.

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