EMDR – 5

tattoo

Visualization with the EMDR pads was a bit different today–it was more led rather than letting my brain go where it wanted to–I was scatterbrained today. Thus, the idea was to focus on the black feeling on my back/shoulders. I will admit that when the task was set I still gave a shudder–the feeling of filth is hard to focus on because of what it meant; where it was from…how it got there. I thought i had been freed of this tar on my soul but not yet. the re-emergence of it was more like an awakening of how much my peripheral vision was being interfered with prior to being dismissed, dissolved and cast out. For now the weight across my shoulders, the indelible stain, remained there waiting to either re-emerge (which I could not tolerate) or to be defeated forever. I closed my eyes.

as always, the blackness shoots from behind me trying to take over the side of my vision toward the right. the light that always comes from the left and above me shoots it out of the range of my vision and spreads rapidly against my skin in a heated rush and it fills in the vacuum left by the passing of the darkness. i feel it behind me across my skin through my clothing. i can hear the sounds of the basement-a tv on the main floor, my girlfriend’s stereo, perhaps what is the washing machine and his voice. we did a few more drop ins, to combat the darkness, taking the heat to dry up the tar and in the end we were doing the visualization that we generally end the session with–my waterfall that flows hot enough to feel like good bathwater, with sunlight that concentrates on my body to dry loosen and destroy the darkness as the water washes it off. as i was doing this i saw first a man, and he came into my vision from beneath. fancy shoes, suit pants, suit (looked like italian cut and very expensive). dark grey, dark blue shirt, black tie, dark hair with facial stubble, eyes dark (no colour), thick eyebrows, lips, and a fedora, black with a grey band. very handsome, but radiating evil.

after i saw him i saw light–amazing light coming down driving this man downward with folds/spikes of white and blue and as he lowered i saw a sword — like a scottish 2 handed cruciform broadsword he was resting his hands on. there was a strength in these hands that was amazing, but yet gentle–so gentle you know that even if he slid his fingers along your cheek to wipe up your tears they would not hurt. the image further came down with great broad shoulders all of him clothed in white robes. I think i saw wings, though now on recollection i cannot remember if they were wings or clouds. he had long white wavy hair, more shadows on his flesh but still shades of blue, grey, pink on his lips, and white. His face was so beautiful i started to cry, and i heard my therapist lean forward she knew something was happening to me and was anxious to know what. he looked at me and i started to tremble and he smiled and all went white. she broke me out of it and it told her what happened. I know that I have seen either an angel or the King of Kings Himself.

Now i know i will heal.

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