So I took my trip to Florida–just noticed my name is in the state–fLORIda, huh… and isited a friend I haven’t seen in 35 years. Looking him in the eyes, hearing his laugh, seeing the same sense of humour and intelligence in his eyes–it’s like the time never passed and he was once again my friend from when i was so young.
Only thing was, I’m not 12 anymore. I found out through thinking about this so hard and discovered that, you know, it’s possible for a child to fall in love. Yes it was a very one way thing, but it was pure and it was the first love of my life. that kind of thing sticks. He just got out of a messy divorce and longstanding unhappy marriage, and i’m, well, I’m me–I push buttons, turn knobs and poke sleeping badgers with sharp sticks.
As always he was the consummate gentleman, opened doors, pulled out chairs, made me precede him when we walked or walked right next to me, and i found that, well, damn. I still love him. and over the week i slept in his spare room (omg on a queen sized bed again!!!!! to die for!) that the area i lived could easily be changed if love was returned–although i hate florida with every breath within me, ifi was with someone who loved me in return–truly loved me….not who had me for convenient pussy, couldnt tell me he “loved” me til he was at least 400 miles away and cheated on me at least 4 times that i caught him, or who wanted money, or who just wanted convenient sex or someone to hit–someone who loved me-i’d live in a dog house with him. I’d live on a desert isle, or a side of a mountain or in the depths of Mordor–if I had someone who loved me back.
I learned a life’s lesson as well. I cannot make someone love me. I cannot make someone want me. i can do wonderful things to someone physically-but if I do that without love and respect, i can never have that love or respect. and at 47, I think I’m ready for that. in fact, I know i am.