Mirrors and Walls

I saw a fire in your eyes today that was not there before.

The dawning of the day came bearing a wind of ill will–

The scent of rage, hatred and despair flowing on the breeze

Like oily smoke; choking the oxygen from the air.

Mirrors do not lie, child.

 

You stop and scream inside your mind until your throat feels raw

Though no sound passes through your lips.

And you remember. Always, you remember.

Promises to be good. To go against your nature and the very

Way you have lived since you were a child.

 

You swear to act the Lady, but have no true idea what that is

You swear to behave in a manner becoming of a visiting queen

But again, you know not how.

You only know the love that has never died

The sight of bright, beautiful blue eyes that you fell in love with

What seems so long ago. The shape of his lips

The sound of his laugh.

 

And when you kiss him-he kisses back. His gentle full lips

So very soft and tender, your body reacts as it has been trained to do

Over years of abuse and being told that you are nothing

But a good fuck, but still just a whore. You stradle his lap but keep

Distance between you-no lap dance, no grinding…just

The chance to look him in the eye while you kiss him.

 

At night you ask him to your room because

it hurts too much to think the day is over

To know he will lock himself away like a clostered monk

To spend that last five minutes with his arms aroumd you

To feel loved even if you aren’t.

 

And when you do give in to the fire within,

When you do set out deliberately to see if you

can push him into reaching for you-you stop.

You truly love him. Respect him. Want him to love you in return.

But he does not. He rebukes you. Calls you names, says things just to cause pain

makes you feel like filth once again. And your world crumbles again.

The walls you have torn down lie in piles of bricks around you.

And you begin by mixing new mortar.

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